General Tsao's Horoscopes
General Tsao

Aries, Mar. 20 - Apr 19

Make a new e-mail alias for every aspect of your life; make one for your apartment/room, make one for your building, make one for your friends, make one for the people you wish were your friends, make one for your enemies and definitely make one for all the people you stalk.

Taurus, Apr. 20 - May 20

Go to an event that you know the person you like will be at, but do not approach them. Follow them around, converse with their friends, pet their dog, do everything except acknowledge them. It is bound to drive your crush crazy and when the see all the attention you give everyone and everything else besides them they are bound to come running to you.

Gemini, May 21 - June 20

Do not go to any gatherings that a group you are in is participating in; instead, sit in your room and play video games all day long. Do not go to parties that you may throw; instead, sleep. Do not converse with the outside world; the game is your life now. And do not even pretend that you don’t do this anyway, because you’re probably already on top of it.

Cancer, June 21 - July 21

Insult a group on campus publically and then ask them for help and advice on a certain matter. This is your best bet to get to where you want to be. Everyone loves people who are self-centered and mean – don’t let anyone else tell you any differently. Don’t be yourself, be like one of those girls in Mean Girls; just because Lindsey Lohan couldn’t handle it doesn’t mean you can’t.

Leo, July 22 - Aug. 22

When you get your midterm back, do one of two things: If it is a grade you are proud of, boast to the whole class how you did better than them and how everyone else is inferior to your brainpower. If it is a bad grade, do one thing and one thing only: scream-sob. When the teacher hands back your test fall to the ground crying and screaming about how you are never good enough for anyone.

Virgo, Aug. 23 - Sept. 22

Think about that fraternity party you went to over the weekend and pick out the one thing that stood out the most. If ‘who the hell has foam parties, they’re disgusting’ was not the first thing to come to mind, then you may have a serious problem. Go get checked, immediately, this is a life or death situation.

Libra, Sept. 22 - Oct. 22

Drink a lot and then go out to eat with a group of people. If you say something and someone doesn’t understand it, turn away and mumble ‘don’t listen to me, I’m too drunk.’  This is prone to validate everything you say, nobody can question a drunk-man’s logic, nobody. You are in charge of their minds and they don’t even know it.

Scorpio, Oct. 23 - Nov. 21

Whatever you do, do not go to Boston for a weekend; it is imperative that you do not leave the zip code or bad things will come. You may not believe in the different zip code rule, but your girlfriend definitely lives by it; and there is only one place she is going to turn, your friend from Jersey.

Sagittarius, Nov. 22 - Dec. 21

This weekend you cannot go out – it is in your best interest. The stars are lined up in such a way that scares even the non-believers. If you go out you will not come back; not that night, not the next morning, not the next week. You will not come back. All I can say to you is if you go out, something will go completely wrong and you won’t even have time to regret it.

Capricorn, Dec. 22 - Jan. 19

You are going to fall off your bed, it is bound to happen. There is no way to surpass this matter, the only advice that I can give you is: you better hope you don’t have a loft bed. Because if you do, there is no question that this is not going to end well. Best case scenario: you hit your head on a TV and knock yourself out. Don’t ask what the worst is.

Aquarius, Jan. 20 - Feb. 17

Stop eating anything that is brown in hue; this includes, but is not limited to, chocolate, coffee, bread, cereal, cookies and ice cream. Otherwise your skin might change color to something unpleasant. Remember that old wives tale, you are what you eat? Well, it’s not an old wise tale in your case.

Pisces, Feb. 18 - Mar. 19

Spend all the money you have today. Not tomorrow, not yesterday, today. Right now! You are not going to need it in the future and you definitely didn’t need it in the past. So it’s time to give presents to the present. Buy everything in sight, even if you don’t need it. I would recommend going somewhere other than Price Chopper though, because do you really want all that food?